I have straight hair. Stttrraaiiiggghhhttt and it feels very, very different. You see, you can flick straight hair and it is so much neater. The catch is that I have it for the Brazilian treatment and I need to keep it for 3 days. So whether I like it or not I need to keep it straight, straight, not tie it back and just enjoy feeling like a kugel.

Kugelllll – Ahhh is my first initial reaction. I’ve tried all my life not to be that. But if I dig a bit deeper I’m amazed. As a straight-haired kugel I feel a lot more with it. I stand a bit straighter. I’m in high school terms, cooler – if that can be said. Amazing what image does. Image in the mind. Mental constructs on what we are and what it means to look a certain way. 

(Prince Number One is sitting on my lap and he wants me to write about Renaldo his hero. What we do for our children…) Okay now that I’ve gotten him off to bed we can stop with mommy interruptions.

It’s really weird how dependent we are on image…it’s something to think about and explore. Image is important to women especially and how we dress and look does say a lot about ourselves. Even the lines on our face tells us a lot about ourselves. The smile lines the frown lines, the anxious lines they don’t lie. They tell us how we’ve lived our lives consciously or unconsciously. Please don’t look at my face too closely.

As mothers I think it’s hard to put ourselves first, put our looks first. And even when we look good with a whole new hairdo – as I do for at least the next 3 days – well we don’t keep it. I for one kind of freak out. Not in a terrible way, just in a I’m so uncomfortable way. And I’m not the only one. My hairdresser told me that anyone she does a makeover for invariably goes back to the old look. Consciously or unconsciously we are stuck.

And where are we stuck? In the past – past perceptions – past images – past wounds. Which means we can’t really move forward into who we actually want to be. And who that is shouldn’t necessarily be a new image – but our whole selves. It doesn’t happen overnight, it doesn’t happen with a new haircut, and it doesn’t happen by reading a self-help book – although that may all be part of it.

One way of beginning is by accepting and loving the parts of us that do exist like a kugel self. Those parts we’ve put into the shadow. They can be good traits like being clever, or organised, or what we consider ‘bad’ traits like, selfishness,  meanness, arrogance. It can be any trait or character which you usually shy away from, or get this, criticise in others. There’s a lot to discuss on the shadow self. One way to begin if you’re interested is reading Debbie Ford’s book ‘The Dark Side of the Light Chasers’. You can look her up on the net and check it out. She says, ‘True love is embracing our dark impulses, our imperfections, our mistakes and our heartache. That is when one reconnects and experiences the love that is truly the answer.’

I’d definitely like to reach and love my whole self and as I blog I hope it happens. This in a way is my search for meaning. A mother’s search for meaning, as my good friend Lexi messaged me. And meaning can be found in anything – even looking like a kugel. After all there’s nothing wrong with looking good.