Yes I would consider going away with your hubbie (or yourself although this blog isn’t about that) for a weekend (or a week) as a right. And not just for the obvious reasons of needing a well deserved break. (Although obviously that is an important reason.)
I remember being warned by a psychologist that going away is not good for relationships because high expectations are built and then shattered, which can be damaging.
This weekend David and I hightailed to Cape Town for the weekend with great expectations. He had work there on Monday and Tuesday so it was a perfect opportunity for our weekend away. The first of this year together. Alone and away from our three little, sweet Princes. We stayed at the lovely Vineyard hotel in Claremont. (Very recommended – if you’re going to be in Cape Town this Summer on holiday you need to go see it, even if it’s just for a cup of tea.) We were all set for a lovely, romantic weekend away.
And then we had a fight. But don’t worry it wasn’t a hands and fist fight. It wasn’t a yelling/shouting match. It was an argument. (I told my cousin we had a fight and I think she was a bit shocked. Don’t be shocked. Even if it was a big fight. Fighting with your spouse is normal as long as it’s not abusive. Well at least I think so.) What our argument was about was trivial. Something to do with Blackberrys. I always forget the reason. I only remember the feeling. It never feels good. It feels like a cold hand has snatched away my heart and replaced it with a hard, grey stone.
And stuff came out. Like the stuff in a shower that gathers until it blocks and you need to buy that acid drain removal stuff to clear it all away. That stuff isn’t noticed until you sit still together for a prolonged period like on date night (please tell me you’re all having regular date nights) or a weekend away. And then it’s there, triggered by the smallest thing like a husband looking up the sports results on the phone.
In Imago therapy it’s called toothpaste issues. When you look at a small issue such as it bothering the hell out of you that your other half doesn’t put the toothpaste cap on the toothpaste (yes it’s a classic). These small issues when you begin digging is about a lot more than just toothpaste. They’re linked to core issues such as ‘I’m always the one who has to put the phone away not him’ that makes me ‘less important’ etc. etc. etc. and you can see where that led me that evening.
Don’t worry. We kissed and made up the next morning. We after 9 years of marriage had a good, hard look at some of the issues (personal and relationship wise) that were coming up. They weren’t pretty. It never is. And there’s a lot of unknown. In ourselves, each other, the future. That’s why marriage is a commitment I imagine. It keeps us there to work on it as long as both partners are willing, loving and able.
And that dear blog readers is the reason why you need to go away for a weekend and have a break. Even if you fight. Even if your expectations of a romantic, loving getaway are shattered. Because it gives a chance for all the stuff to come out. Away from the kids you suddenly need to face your relationship and see where it is.
Marriage is a dance. It can be a messy, fast dance (especially in this century of Blackberrys) and when you slow down you notice your bruises. That’s when it’s important to give each other a massage. I mean this literally, emotionally, spiritually by. Try it, get away and see.
The rest of our weekend although marred was wonderful!